hope is the thing with feathers

"...does anybody have a clue how hard I worked at loving you...?"

If I could go back and do it all over again, would I?

I've been finding this question in my head more often lately, and I'm not entirely sure why. It's a moot point. I can't go back in time; that is a fact. But if I could... if I could, would I do it all over again?

The truth of the matter is... probably not.

I really don't think I would.

In fact, I would probably go even further back, and make entirely different decisions all along the way. Back to when I first returned to California. Back before the spiral that I somehow found myself in at the hands of a sociopath.

If I could choose what I'd like to keep - I wouldn't erase my arm injury. And as strange as that may seem, I think that experience was part of the fire that helped to forge me. Helped make me who I became.

And I know the argument, that everything I've experienced has made me who I am - but here's the thing: some of those experiences didn't change me for the better. I really don't think they did. The person I am today is not who I wanted to be... not who I was trying to become. Or even who I became... for a while.

There is a version of myself that I found somewhere in between. A version who had faith; who still felt wonder at the world around me... who still believed in the inherent kindness of humans; who had dreams... and enough hope to go after those dreams.

The version of me who wanted to become something. To do something meaningful with my life. And knew exactly what that was.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the song without the words, and never stops - at all..."

The cynic in me wants to sigh about the foolish conviction of youth... but there is such a big part of me that would do almost anything to get that conviction, that faith, back again.

I am staring at the blank pages before me, and I think - I don't know what these past few chapters have been for. Was it part of God's plan? Or was it me stubbornly ignoring His plan... again, and doing what I wanted... again?

I'm willing to bet it's the latter. I am foolish and stubborn, and if I had only listened... If I had only walked away the first time I had a feeling that he might be a sociopath. If I had listened to my mom, the pastor, my friends... if I hadn't been so desperate to be loved, maybe I wouldn't have taken the wrong path so many times. Or maybe it was just the same path over and over.

But if they can forget about me so easily - especially after I poured out every last ounce of my heart to them, for five and a half years...

I should have left sooner.

I should have left the first time...

And I can't help but wonder if they really ever had a clue, how hard I worked at loving them. In an effort to make their lives better, I poured out absolutely all of myself, until there was nothing left of who I used to be. Who I wanted to be.

"I'm not myself when I'm with you - it takes and breaks my heart in two..."

I loved them with all of the love in my heart, but somehow it was still never enough.

And when I walked away, it was like I had never been in their lives at all.

So... that's why I wouldn't do it over again if I could go back. And yes, there would be the very real possibility - probability - that I would get it wrong all over again, even if I could go back and take a different path.

But maybe - just maybe - I would end up on a path to somewhere that I would be loved.

The one thing I've always hoped for - and the only thing I've never found.