say the words

If I say the words enough,

will they start to become true?

If I pretend you never happened,

will I succeed in erasing you?

Do I fake it till I make it,

pretend that I’m okay?

Hide the disappointment 

of waking to another day?

This was never what I wanted, 

or who I wanted to be - 

when I look at my own reflection 

I don’t know the girl I see. 

A girl who’s scarred and broken,

ready to give up the fight;

eyes that no longer twinkle or shine,

shadows where once there was light. 

I miss the passion I had for life,

the beauty I saw all around…

When I once looked fondly to the sky, 

now I can’t take my eyes off the ground. 

Every dream that used to fuel me,

now crumpled under my feet;

every hope that ignited my heart,

now withered in quiet defeat. 

Will I ever look in the mirror 

and smile at who’s looking back?

Or sit all alone in my room in the dark 

without having a panic attack?

I hate that you finally broke me 

like you always said you would.

I hate that I ever loved you, 

hate that I even could. 

But the man I loved was never you,

he was who you pretended to be; 

and I hate that almost a decade

isn’t enough to set me free. 

Every single time that you hurt me, 

and said it was my own damn fault

has engraved itself inside my brain, 

a damn impenetrable vault. 

I’d like to scrape you from the surface,

extract you from my past;

I’d give just about anything 

to be free of you at last.

Too many years have come and gone 

with you constantly torturing my mind; 

but if I ever fully opened those doors,

there’s no telling what horrors I’d find. 

Maybe by this time next year 

I’ll be able to smile sincere;

be able to talk about my past

without succumbing to primal fear. 

The new year comes like fresh fallen snow,

and with a trembling, shaky breath - 

I vow to do whatever it takes 

to enjoy the time I have left…