replacing memories

it’s not just

about replacing

the bad memories

with better ones.

this

is what I once believed.

it’s about trying

to let go

of an entire life’s worth

of regret -

over things

that haven’t happened yet…

things that probably

never will.

like being loved,

or getting married.

having children.

jumping Grand Prix.

it’s trying

to let go

of the painful memories

of what

I gave up…

what I left

behind.

like the love

of a family.

the comfort

of a home.

but also…

tense silences.

endless tears.

trying not to cower

or back away

when he came toward me -

lifting my chin

instead of shrinking

when I saw

that look of rage

in his eyes.

never knowing

why

I wasn’t

ever

good enough -

no matter

how hard

I tried.

crying

myself

to sleep.

and some days,

it’s hard -

unbearable, even -

just to leave

the house.

the days

when my heart feels

like it’s bound to stop

and the panic

floods my veins.

and whatever

doesn’t kill me

sure as hell

doesn’t make me

strong -

it just makes me wonder

why

I haven’t learned.