every time

There were so many times when I knew I should have left him.

Every time I was his last priority; a mere afterthought - if even that.

Every time he believed someone else's lies over the truth I was begging him to see.

Every time I told him I loved him - and was met with only silence.

Every time he decided that he no longer even cared for me, simply because he was angry.

Every time he gave me the silent treatment instead of trying to resolve things.

Every time he decided that my feelings didn't matter - because his feelings were also hurt.

Every time he chose to believe the worst about me, no matter how my actions should have assured him that his assumptions about my intentions were false.

Every time he was purposely cruel and hurtful toward me, just because he was angry.

Every time he tore me apart and told me that I needed to change.

Every time he ignored me when I tried to talk to him, or got angry because I dared to interrupt his TV show.

Every time he broke another promise.

Every time - every single time - that I felt lonely and alone with him right next to me.

But then there would be a day when things felt how they did in the beginning - when being in his company was easy again, and our day was filled with laughter... and I would forget every hard day in between. I would remember why I still kept trying to make things work.

Every time I ache to reach out, it is those sunshine-filled days that I am missing. The man he once was, when things were new.

The man I fell so deeply in love with.

And it hurts, because that man is who I always believed he was. But I don't believe that we can ever be anyone other than ourselves - which means that he is also the man who could not seem to put his past away, who hurt me deeply with his words and actions - over and over again.

And that is not someone I'm willing to let in again.

So I will not reach out. I will cherish the fond memories that now seem so distant - but I will not forget every time that I knew I should have left.

Because it may have taken me five and a half years - but I finally did.