doom scrolling

today

when I was sitting

in my favorite chair

doom scrolling in the dark

and drying my eyes

from the tears I have spent

for years

and in the last hour -

the open wound

that is a broken heart

without closure -

I came across

a colorful post

that made me pause

and exhale:

"it's okay

to miss someone

and still

not want them back

in your life."

and I read it again

just to make sure

I didn't mistake

what it said:

"it's okay

to miss someone

and still

not want them back

in your life."

so maybe closure

isn't something

I can get from others.

from him.

because it will never be fair

that I gave everything -

more than I had -

all of me -

for years

and still didn't

get

to say goodbye.

it will never

be

fair.

and yes

I know it's for the best

I did the right thing

there's no going back

even if I wanted to

but how can anyone

expect me

to just

stop?

stop loving him

stop mourning him

stop wishing things

could have been different

stop missing him

how can I possibly

just

stop

missing him?

but maybe it's not

that I have to stop

maybe

it's just that I have to include

the second half:

I can miss him.

I can miss him,

AND

I can still

not want him back

in my life.

and maybe this

can be the closure

that I gift

to myself.