an experiment in loneliness

Tonight begins an experiment in loneliness. 

I am not lonely simply because I am alone; I am comfortable in my own company, a hard won fact that cannot be taken away. 

It is not the lack of other people that causes this ache in my heart, but the lack of meaningful connection. 

I believe that, in my life, I have felt every different kind of loneliness. 

I have felt the loneliness of a lost loved one. 

Of an unanswered prayer. 

The loneliness of being filled with inexorable pain, with no one to turn to. 

I have felt the loneliness of unrequited love, and with it the gaping hole of never having heard those three words. 

I have felt utterly and desperately alone in the presence of the one who was supposed to cherish and adore me - and I don’t know if there could possibly be a deeper loneliness. 

I have gone through many lifetimes, it seems - reaching out, begging for someone to help pull me out of the darkness that was drowning me, and never seeing a hand reaching back. 

I have felt the loneliness of reaching into the darkness and being met only by silence. 

So, starting tonight, I will no longer reach out. 

I will not reach out, and I will see if my presence is missed by anyone at all. I will see if anyone takes the time to reach out to me. 

This is not a test, nor a manipulation; I am merely exhausted, and the frayed edges of my nerves cannot handle any more rejection. 

And though I crave connection, my peace of mind is no longer a price I am willing to pay.